“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place .” - George Bernard Shaw

This week I am looking for YOUR feedback on what support strategies you have received that have been helpful and what has left you feeling, crap?!

Support from loved ones is great but sometimes you might end up surprised when suddenly your best friend / partner etc turns around and says something not at all helpful. Though they don't mean harm they may actually end up hurting your feelings.

When we start to unpack this we might start to realise that support person is well meaning - they genuinely care about you and want to support you - but they just don't know the right way to go about it. When I say right way - there really is no right way, it is entirely individual. What works for one person wont work for the next and so communication is key. Earlier this week on Instagram I gave a brief insight into how this might show up in our everyday lives... the dirty dishes!

Let me share an example of how this might show up in counselling: (This is entirely made up!)

Bariatric client is 3 months post op & orders a choc top at the cinema on girls night. They're feeling fabulous, bought a new blouse, got the lippy on, loving not thinking about the size of the cinema chair that would've held them back pre op, feeling free, empowered & excited to be out. One person in the group asks "Should you really be eating that, I thought you cant eat that kind of stuff anymore" BUZZKILL!!!

What friend is thinking... "You said you were never going to eat snacks & sweets ever again, That this surgery was a new you. You asked me to help keep you accountable. What if you have forgotten that. What if you get sick or dumping syndrome from it. What if you don't reach your goals, I'm helping you just like you asked me to.

Another example in the video below:

It seems support people genuinely believe they are helping by commenting on specific food choices., which is actually undermining the other person.

So how do we bridge this gap?

One of the most effective tools I have found to open this conversation is the 'I feel. When you. What I would like instead is.' formula.

Using the example above lets apply it together:

I feel: shamed & embarrassed

When You: Comment on my food choices, especially publicly.

What I would like instead is: If I look unsure about what to order ask if I'd like help deciding. Trust that I know how to make my own food choices. When I asked you to help keep me accountable what I meant was celebrate my wins, compliment my new energy, remind me of my strengths when I am struggling.

We could even make this request more specific:

Send me check in messages on Monday mornings & go for a walk with me on a Saturday afternoon.

That's a tricky example, how would you apply this formula to the scenario above?

I Feel I might re-title this blog to 'part 1' because really I am asking for your experience, inviting you to try this formula to open that conversation for yourselves and then let me know how it goes! I'll be sure to make a part 2 with the feedback I receive.

Email: hello@lisaoloughlincounselling.com

DM: lisa_o.loughlin

All responses will be kept confidential by default, I will always ask for consent to share information.

P.S This post is for those who are in otherwise healthy & supportive relationships. Secondary gains & sabotage... well that's a whole other post!